I’m lucky enough that I’ve fallen into a job I love and enjoy, but I got here by working in some jobs which were affecting my health and my social life. Whether you’re a receptionist or an office furniture specialist, there’s no way of knowing what the job is actually going to be like. Sometimes it seems like you have the worst job you possibly could be have, especially after working your arse off or building up a tonne of debt at Uni. However bad it seems, often it’s the people you work with that are the ones that are making things more difficult, not the job itself. Here are some tips for surviving a toxic workplace and progressing your career:
When your boss takes the customers/clients side on an issue, be sure to argue with them until they see your perspective. Persistence and passion is key to building an excellent relationship with both clients and your superiors!
On the occasion that someone within your workplace uses an offensive slur, make a loud screeching noise each time it is used as a learning experience to help them. They’ll really appreciate it and will respect you more as a person!
When dealing with a difficult customer or client, hum in a very low tone each time they speak. They will eventually think there is an infestation of bees and leave.________________________________________________________________________________________
After your the rota is changed without letting you know, take a sleeping bag to work to ensure you never miss a shift again.
If your ill health becomes a anecdotal competition with other members of your workplace, make sure to cough/sneeze/vomit in their direction – it will help them understand you’re feeling a bit poorly and garner sympathy from your colleagues.
Bonus tip: After your superiors passively aggressively tell you that they can power through any mildly serious illness after you have been given a sick note and don’t send you home straight away, sing the Sound of Music soundtrack for the rest of your shift! This will help them take you seriously and you’ll be sent home immediately. Remix ‘Climb Every Mountain’ for an even quicker result.
When your boss orders your work uniform assuming your clothing size, use the misjudged sized garment as a handy tool for cleaning your oven.
After you’re told that your appearance is not acceptable for the workplace because your tattoos are showing, draw a comical pair of cat whiskers on your face to show you can do your job no matter how you look and that it does not affect your workplace performance. Your boss will appreciate you thinking outside the box and using your creativity to create a convincing argument.
Please note that this was just a little bit of fun, and we are working on a serious version of this and it will be live very soon.