Go to the beach (please remember to take your body)
How To Lose Weight
Don’t count calories or kill yourself going to the gym, it’s much easier to lose other people’s heavy bullshit expectations of what your body should weigh, step one lose them… step two feel the weight of their horse shit drop away.
How To Dress For Your Body Shape
Look at what shape you are, are you person shaped? Excellent go and buy people clothes (top tip leave horse clothes, dolls clothes and clothes pegs. They aren’t for you )
How To Look Sexy
Get a mirror
Hold it up
Look into it
Say “hey you sexy muther”
(Can also be achieved by pouting lips and wearing what the fuck you want)
How To Eat Clean
Wash your fucking food
How To Say No
There are several ways to say no I gauge the situation then do one of the following
Shake my head.
Pretend I’m moving to Lisbon.
How To Dress For Your Age
This is tricky but if you find a good seamstress they can usually fashion you an outfit in the shape of the number 33 (you have to use your own age) failing this just wear what you like society will find fault with it anyway.
How To Look Flawless
Roll yourself in carpet lie down and blend In! You got this girl!
How To Get Your Pre Baby Body Back
Good luck, that shit is gone. You grew and pushed out a person! Eat a doughnut, drink the gin, and congratulate yourself for remembering to put knickers on when you answer the door to the postman.
Have you got any tips for life that we should all use?