Content warning: this article discusses topics which may trigger some readers, including self harm and mental illness.
My weight has been something I’ve struggled with for 20 years, in addition to developing symptoms of depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. The weight I was carrying, both mentally and physically, led me to self-harm.
Seven years ago, I wouldn’t leave the house. I began to wear sweaters and leggings in 40c degree weather and even avoided going to school. Being already plus size, I knew how society felt about me but I couldn’t even begin to imagine what people would think if they saw a fat girl with scars.
Years ago I would have said I hated my scars. I felt disgusting and embarrassed. Yet when I see my scars today I feel no regret. I do not hate them. My scars are the markings of a fighter, permanent reminders that I am strong and can survive anything. At times when I had no other ways of dealing with my pain, this was my escape. They represent my struggles and they represent my strength.
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I will no longer waste time trying to cover up my body or trying to hide my scars. I am embracing the fact that, yes, I have imperfections, yes, I am fat, and, yes, I have scars… but I am human.
My body has worked so hard to keep me alive and I owe it to myself to love every part of me.
Self-love isn’t something you gain in one night, it’s a process. It involves changing your way of thinking and embracing the positives about yourself. Change takes time. It is okay to look at yourself and not be happy with the person that you are, it is okay to want to make changes, and it is okay to embrace every part of you. You are allowed to love yourself.
I am worth more. I will not let scars define me negatively. I am strong. I am alive. I am beautiful. I want you to know that you are not alone. Some days drag on endlessly, and other days you may fail to find the confidence within. I want to remind you that it is okay to struggle sometimes. It is okay not to be okay.
I promise you that recovery is possible. I know how terrifying it can be to allow yourself to be vulnerable and ask for help, but at the end of the day it will be the best decision you make for you and your mental health. It gets better. Stay strong.