Covering Up Who I Am

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Charlotte Corbett

Hello!! I am a Brummy fat girl who emigrated up north. I live with my husband and our 2 dogs in Cheshire and my idea of a perfect day is a lie in, coffee in bed, a lovely autumn walk in the park with big jumpers and boots on. Going for lunch at our favourite pub and finish off having hot chocolate snuggled on the sofa.

I love history and reading and binge watching Netflix. I have been writing my blog for 4 years and I love how it makes me feel, it allows me to open up and just be free. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I am working on making myself better.
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Nine years ago sitting in my doctors office and talking to him about what was going on in my head, I had no idea. I was hurting myself, I hated who I was, I didn’t want to be around anymore. I didn’t want to see my friends or go out. He told me I had depression and the panic attacks I had been suffering from was due to anxiety. Even though I had just told him that I had tried to kill myself, he piled a list of pills on to a prescription and sent me off to therapy. During my sessions I was told that a good way to get things out of my head would be to write them down. So when I left and went home I started to. I would write letters to people who had hurt me, or just write down situations I was in. That on top of my tablets helped a little. Till I would get into a bad place again, I would then re read all those letters and notes and it would all come flooding back. It made me feel ten times worse.

9 years later, my life has changed, I am no longer a student, I have a job I like, friends who understand me, a house, a husband and a company we are building together. I also have (thanks to my acting skills) the ability to lie to people I am close to and make it seem like I am ok, when instead I am rubbish. I never lie to my husband, he can read me like a book and actually can tell even before me when I am going to have a bad day. To others I am that person who is always happy. I hate that I feel like I can’t show who I am to others. My manager knows and understands, but I also worry that when I am having a bad day and I cant get out of my head, that it wont be understood at work and that I will be sacked. So I put my make up on and become a new me. I use it as a mask, to cover up all the sadness and hurt. There has only been one day when I felt I couldn’t go in. I woke up and I couldn’t stop crying, everything I did made me cry, making a coffee sitting on the sofa, and I just couldn’t even think of going to work. I called in sick and went to the doctors. Where she asked me if I was due on my period and that it would pass.

How she was with me reinforced how hard it is for me to let people in, it makes me feel like no matter what people will always judge me, people will always look at me and think are you putting this on, is it hormones. People will always think it is something else other that what it is. The fact that I am not always happy. to be truthful I honestly feel tired all the time, I feel lack of energy and lack of commitment. I feel like I don’t want to do anything. I something worry that it is me not being an adult. Like I am a 30 year old who is just lazy, but then I think but I want to do things, I want to go out with friends, I want to clean my house, I want to write blogs, I want to take my dogs for a walk.

Then I go to leave my house and I have to check every plug to make sure it is off, check every window to make sure it is locked, check my back door 3 times before I leave with my phone in my hand to look at the time, so I have a mental note of when I did it. I then get my bag and coat and lock my front door, checking the handle 3 times before I leave and checking the time again. I hate leaving my house, I hate who I am, I hate being like this. I hate covering up who I am so people think I am a fully functioning adult. I just hope I am not alone. I think the thing I hate the most is that I hate having to cover up who I am, I hate that I can’t let people see who I am. The way some people including doctors treat mental illness sufferers in this day and age is still wrong, it is still seen as a stigma. We have come such a long way with mental illness but there are still people like me who don’t want to show people what is going on, we are good at hiding it and we are the ones you least expect, because we look and act strong but trust me one word, one look, one action can send us into such a bad place.

For anyone like me, please know I am here for you, I am like you, it is ok to be like this, we are not weird, we are not bad people, we just aren’t strong enough to deal with this and that is ok. I think the thing I hate the most is that I hate having to cover up who I am, I hate that I can’t let people see who I am. The way some people including doctors treat mental illness sufferers in this day and age is still wrong, it is still seen as a stigma. We have come such a long way with mental illness but there are still people like me who don’t want to show people what is going on, we are good at hiding it and we are the ones you least expect, because we look and act strong but trust me one word, one look, one action can send us into such a bad place. For anyone like me, please know I am here for you, I am like you, it is ok to be like this, we are not weird, we are not bad people, we just aren’t strong enough to deal with this and that is ok

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Charlotte Corbett

Hello!! I am a Brummy fat girl who emigrated up north. I live with my husband and our 2 dogs in Cheshire and my idea of a perfect day is a lie in, coffee in bed, a lovely autumn walk in the park with big jumpers and boots on. Going for lunch at our favourite pub and finish off having hot chocolate snuggled on the sofa.

I love history and reading and binge watching Netflix. I have been writing my blog for 4 years and I love how it makes me feel, it allows me to open up and just be free. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I am working on making myself better.

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